The older I get the more I value the energy and the outcome in focusing on the things that truly matter and the more exhausted I get by the things I cannot change. Seek the energy over the exhaustion. No one likes to be tired, right? As a written reminder, I wanted to list out some tools I use when I feel like I need to let go of control, when the worried thoughts of control creep in. Control is rooted in fear. Trying to manipulate something OUT OF your control is draining and leaves little room for clarity. Control is basically panic. Wasting precious mental energy trying to control things doesn’t change a damn thing. We’re the ones that suffer.
There’s a lot of beauty found in letting go.
What happens when you let go of control?
1) You See People For Who They Really Are
Work to see people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Sometimes this means you have to have boundaries.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do.
That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.”
– Maya Angelou
Mic has been dropped. This is SO true though. I’ve often found myself in relationships where I had an initial gut feeling, perhaps our God given intuition, about the person or situation yet I feel guilty for thinking that way. SO often that guilt makes me want to prove myself wrong. Trying to prove myself wrong is just another version of trying to change the person.
So much growth can come out of surrounding yourself in interesting perspectives, different opinions and ideas. But if you’re so busy trying to change the way someone views the world, that person loses their value. What they think is part of who they are! You can’t really respect someone if you want to change them. This is a really difficult one, especially in today’s climate. To be honest, there are some areas where I have a very difficult time understanding how someone could believe or think certain things. In these moments, I try to recognize that their opinion isn’t about me and it’s not up to me to change their mind or to change who they are. Trust me, sometimes I forget this and I try really hard to sway how they feel. But this-
Love is about letting those we care about be unapologetically themselves, and not distorting them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who we think they should be.
I’ve also decided to do everything I can control to limit my exposure to negative and draining people. There’s a big difference between being helpful in suggestions, and the people who feed off of criticizing and punishing the people around them. That’s not friendship or love and it’s not healthy. When you feel emotionally drained, rather than energized, after being around certain people, it’s a clue that it’s not a good fit. The beautiful thing about being a grown up is we get to decide who we want to spend time with.
2) You Experience Adventure
Do you really want the pressure of having ultimate control of everything in your life? I sure don’t. I’d eff that up so fast! It’s a far more fulfilling experience to let life happen rather than trying to force everything. When you let go of control, you experience one of the greatest gifts- no knowing what tomorrow holds. Within this unpredictable beauty, we find profound inspiration and moments we could never plan or control. Letting go of control is also giving yourself permission to be flawed. We often put such high expectations on situations and people and ourselves, but remember, only our Creator is perfect. Thank God….literally. Waking up in the morning and praying “God, prepare me for what You have in store and open my mind to whatever it is I need to experience” is far more fulfilling than saying “My plan is way better than yours, I’m going to micromanage the heck out of the day and it’s going to be boring and suck but at least I felt in control!”.
3) You Give Yourself the Gift of Letting Go
There’s a lot of beauty in surrender. Surrendering isn’t the end of something, it can be the beginning of something incredible you never saw coming. Surrender opens your heart for a new way of viewing the world. Surrendering doesn’t make you weak, it actually is quite powerful allows you to focus on what you can change……YOU!
One of our employees said to me several times in one conversation “it is what it is” and though that is so simple, something we hear all the time, it’s so powerful. In that moment, with that message on repeat, I knew it was supposed to be something I needed to hear. Can you imagine giving yourself the gift of letting go? When the fear creeps in you whisper to yourself, “it is what it is and it’s going to be okay”. In that surrender, you allow yourself to be open to whatever is happening around you. Look at what all you’ve been through in your life! You can handle it and you can handle what’s coming next. Surrendering is shining a light on reality, rather than masking it in darkness and fear. How powerful is that??
(glasses, journal, book, throw)
4) You Quit Caring So Much About What People Think
Everyone has opinions rooted in their own experiences. Their opinion of you has everything to do with who they are and very little (if at all!) to do with who you are. When I start to overthink people’s opinion of me, I go back to this thought- you won’t please everyone so instead focus on being kind and letting go. Why run your brain ragged by being consumed with everyone else’s ideas of who they think you should be. Your life is your life, not theirs. We should decorate our homes and raise our kids and wear clothes according to our preferences. I know that sounds so obvious but think about what you see all day every day online. In a social media driven world, there is a huge temptation to make choices that will ‘post’ well. My closest friend, who is a teacher, always tells her parents “the choice you make for your child and family is the best choice”. For every person that is judging you for doing it one way, there’s a group that will judge you for doing it a different way. You do you. Besides, I’ve been humbled countless times when I think of the times I had an opinion about something and found myself later in life in that same situation. It’s the whole “my kids will never…” or “I’ll never…” and wouldn’t you know it? Never is a big ugly word. ;) Realize that if someone is judging you for where you’re at now, maybe they just haven’t gotten there yet.
5) You Appreciate the Things You Do Have Control Over
There are countless things you don’t have control over but there’s tremendous power in recognizing what you do have control over. Author John Brubaker summed it up like this-
“Focusing on the conditions is counterproductive. There are plenty of things we can complain about, but it’s a waste of emotional energy to focus on things we cannot control.
All you can control is what I call your A.P.E. — attitude, process and effort. These are the only three things we each have complete control over.”
What you think about a situation and your internal dialogue is really the only thing you can control. You live everything twice- once in your mind and once in real time. As I’ve mentioned in this post, you get to feel how you want to feel about you. You control that!
Every day, little by little, choose something you’re going to begin to let go of. Be patient with yourself. It’s a process….one I think we’re all working on and doing our best at.